Warning, scatter brain ahead

Warning, this is going to be some quick thoughts before I go to bed as it is 12:15 am and I have a very long honey-do-list to tackle tomorrow… So I’m watching some TV and Sheryl Crow is on with a taped concert (similar to Austin City Limits, but more House of Blues). As I am watching the concert, my mind is filled with a few thoughts:

- Wow, she is a great singer live. Usually hearing someone live for the first time is a huge let-down (of course, I don’t know what kind of post production went into this taping since it is not really live as I watch it on TV).
- Why does her lead guitarist need a different Telecaster on every song?
- Wow, it must be pretty cool to perform live in front of that many fans who think you are great, sing along with you, pay money for a t-shirt with your face on it.
- hum,…. I doubt these songs will be known at all in 10 years other than those rare moments when you leaf through karaoke lists and say “oh yea, I remember that song…”
- Crazy to think that Sheryl Crow will be buried in a box in the ground one day, max 40 years out.

I know, the last thought is fairly dark. But hey, this is my BLOG and I am simply stating what is on my mind (this is really therapy for me, not for you to get to know me better, I need to get this stuff out of my head before I go to sleep or I will be up all night).

Seriously, her 115lb. carbon mass will end up in the ground within half a century and there is NOTHING she can do about it. And by then no one will know her name,… no one will really know her songs,….. and that will be it. Done. Finished. Maybe a plaque in her home town of Podunk, Nowhere; but really, a plaque is worthless in the grand scheme of life once you are dead.

So then I think “Wow, the same is true for me. The same is true for my two sons. They (Tommy and Hunter) will both most likely be in the ground by the end of this century. I will certainly have stopped breathing by the end of this century. Most likely my Dad will stop breathing before I do (sorry dad, just stating the statistics. Bottom line is we are both going to end up there in the long run).

I am not trying to be morbid, but I am just overwhelmed with our fate. It is funny, I dream about people loving the songs I write and wanting to get my autograph. I sometimes dream about being a world-known performer who sells out large venues. The reason is obvious, I want to be known, loved, worshiped…. The ironic part is everyone who would come and see “the amazing Keith Walatka” will also end up in the ground one day. In 100 years, almost all of the people alive right now won’t be breathing. So why do I care so much about impressing them? I am more convinced right now in this very moment that apart from God, we are simply worthless carbon just buying time.

And with God,…. Life has true meaning (or at least the possibility of meaning depending on what conclusion you draw in response to the existence of God – being my BLOG and all, I will tell you that my personal conclusion is that our response to his invitation through Christ is the biggest decision we will make with significant, major, eternal repercussions,… significantly bigger than who we marry, how many kids, what job to take, how much money to save…)

Not trying to be religious/preachy,…just my scattered thoughts. Good Night.

A psychological question

I left my corporate marketing job 16 weeks ago and moved my family to South Bend Indiana for a job in full time ministry. So four months ago the only people I knew here in the Hoosier state was my brother and sister-in-law. Four months ago I didn't care one bit what people in south bend Indiana thought of me. They had no bearing on who I was or what I valued.

I find it amazing that in only 16 weeks I already care about/focus on what these people think of me. I wonder what some will think if I wear jeans on a Sunday morning. I worry about what some will think if I lead too aggressively, or too passively. I worry if people think I am too arrogant. I worry if people like me for who I am or because of the role I have. I worry about folks perceptions of me. I even find myself sometimes positioning/playing the game (you know,... the "please like me" game)

I find that this constant struggle between being who I am and being who I want people to think I am is draining. Crazy to think that 16 weeks ago I didn't give a rip about the hoosier's perceptions of me. So I ask, why is it so hard to get your identity solely from God? Seriously, there are 6.5billion other people who have never heard of Keith Walatka, so why do I get so caught up with what my neighbors, friends, and attenders at the church think of me? In 60 years (max) we will all be in the ground and be worm food, so why am I so insecure in being just who I am/who God made me to be?

The God of the universe,..... by the way the universe is rather large..... calls me by name (a name he's known since time began). He has validated who I am by knitting me in my mothers womb, wonderfully I might add (this is not pride, read Psalm 139). He validated me by sending Jesus, validated me by calling me his friend;.... yet I usually let some person that I have known for less than 16 weeks determine my identity. CRAZY!

What is wrong with this picture? Why is it so hard to be yourself/get your identity from the only real source of life? I feel that I am already at a cross-roads. You are only "new" at a place for approx 6months (I know I am making this up, but it sounds right), so I have 2 more months to determine who I am going to be.

-Am I going to be the guy I want people to think I am? AND BE EXHAUSTED and probably tick everyone off anyway
-Am I going to be the guy I am, but try and give a different perception? Deception is exhausting, so this is not a real option (and I will probably tick everyone off anyway)
-Am I going to be the guy I am and not apologize for it and seek validation, encouragement, and pruning from God (and probably tick everyone off anyway)? Now I know all you Sunday School folks say this is the "right answer",.... I just don't know why it is so hard, especially since I truly believe this is the source of life to the full.

I'm tired, so good night on that thought.

trying to figure it out... and struggling

So, as it always happens; I just purchased a new Apple PowerBook. Decked it out. And 10 days later get a coupon in the mail for $100 off any purchase at the Apple Store. AHHHHH!

So then my mind starts racing. I have always wanted an iPod. And since music pays the bills for my family, and as a worship leader I am always listening/finding to new music, an iPod would be more than a frivolous purchase. Heck, it might even enable me to do better ministry. About the same time I was thinking about this, one of those commercials asking you to sponsor a child in Africa came on....

It showed a family (a father and three daughters) and how their drinking water was from rainwater retained in a hole dug in the ground. How this it was a breading ground for Malaria. How the family's mother died, the youngest girl had severe mal-nutrition and malaria, and the father had to recently spend $7 (a months worth of income) for her medicine.

So, then I go fill-up my Jacuzzi with clean, hot water so my overweight due to too many food choices 240lb body can enjoy soaking for 15 minutes and then dispose of this clean, safe water,... I ask myself this question: Where is the line in how we live if you look at life from an eternal perspective? What I mean is; I really doubt anyone's life will be changed if I own a $450 iPod. Sure, I would enjoy my drive to work a little more, I would feel "cooler",.... but will it change lives, doubt it. On the other hand, that same $450 is equivalent to over 5 years of income to that family on the TV commercial.

So where is the line? When am I being selfish? Do I get the iPod? Do I spend $30 (4 months income for the TV family) to eat out at some so-so restaurant when I could cook $4 worth of spaghetti and feed my entire family? I have 2 pairs of Jeans, should I buy a third?

The crazy part is as I type this on my wireless PowerBook, I am sitting in my screened-in porch that is about the size of that TV family's house..... Should I sell this huge home and downsize? Or maybe I should keep it but adopt as many kids that we can fit in it comfortably. Or maybe keep it and adopt as many kids that we can cram in it (at the end of the day, I doubt 12+ kids in my 4-bedroom home/mansion would be roughing it compared to the TV family)

I know, I will forget about this in 3 days and still purchase the iPod,... which is probably the sadist thing of all

1st ever blog

I got nothing yet....... nope...... still nothing,..... forget it